Tick…tock…

14 Oct

As I sit in this dark, quiet corner of my oversized couch, I can only hear the tick tock of G’s maneki neko. Every swipe of its arm reminds me of how fast life passes me by. Every now and then, the constant ticking takes a halted yet unexpected break- as if gasping for air or a second of relaxation. Yet the speed picks up as quickly as it left off and on it continues, making note of each second that passes by. I look up and see his assorted collection of these Japanese cats adorning the top of that piece of furniture. The gold one glistens in the corner, as the sliver of light from the hallway reflects on its shiny metal-flake exterior. As its squeaky arm waves back and forth, I notice it is not the one with the bigger stance making the loudest noise- it is the meek, small, white one that seems to fill the room with its loud presence. Life is happening right now.

Today is one of those days where I feel like I’m constantly [more often than not], waiting on everyone else. Whether it’s at work, waiting for students to settle down so I can teach the next word or phrase; at practice, waiting for my runners to get back so we can continue forth; at home, waiting for my husband to finally come home; waiting on calls from the contractors to tell us when and/or if our house will ever get repaired; socially, to find out how I can include myself in friends’ lives; or waiting on a call back from family members…just waiting.

Waiting would be great if I wasn’t so impatient. However, I am one of the most impatient people I know. A virtue at times, as it has enabled me to set goals and steadily approach the marks of accomplishment. Yet, other times my impatience renders ineffective. It surfaces frustration and the inability to cohesively put my life together. In haste, I can scapegoat and exclaim that if it wasn’t for somebody else, I’d have everything I need or want completed. Albeit, that being true half of the time, the other half belongs only to me. No one can claim it nor can I dispose of it on someone else’s conscience.

This idea of time ticking me by, and my impatience being a constant variable in the equation of my life creates a conundrum. I am able to conquer so much in my life…notwithstanding I do not have the ability to enjoy and relax. Relaxation is limited, as there is a constant tick tocking in my mind that constantly reminds me of the unremitting list of tasks at hand.

My recently developed challenge in life is finding an equilibrium I most certainly yearn for in my life. The people-pleaser in me constantly devotes any amount of free time to visiting those I cherish that I do not get to spend time with due to everyday obligations. I am a yes person and constantly acquire new duties to add to my professional role. The times for just myself are rare…extremely rare. I have unfortunately also noticed that the times that I am sought for have steadily depleted, as well. I strive to be better, yet often fail. Despite the constant falls, I know I must keep going. I may not be the shiny, gold cat that has such a presence, however, I refuse to give up my voice for personal renewal and strength.

As life passes by, I want to soar in its greatness and relax in its existence; rather than pondering the next obstacle to conquer without ever just…breathing it all in.

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One Response to “Tick…tock…”

  1. Mritz November 9, 2011 at 5:59 pm #

    Roomie, you have such a powerful and beautiful way of expressing yourself (which is truly a gift). You are someone I admire with all my heart and have the honor to call a best friend. Thank you for being a part of my life! ❤ ( I know you knew this already, but just wanted to remind you!)

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